I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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