You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
