Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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