I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
