He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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