The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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