i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
