Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
