I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My penis needs a shock collar
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
