Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
