I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
