just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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