you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
