Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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