R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
