Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
