I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
