Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize