I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
