Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
