Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
