It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My dick has a subreddit
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
