Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
