Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He passed out mid-signature
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
