I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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