im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
