I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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