yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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