Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I bet he comes in French.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This baby is an asshole
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
