I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
