he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You need Xanax blowdarts
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
