Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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