Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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