I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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