he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
