He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
