Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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