Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The best revenge is premature balding
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
