Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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