not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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