he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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