i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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