I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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