i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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