I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
