Pants 0. Shit 1.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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