Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
