i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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