Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize