Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I deserve this hangover.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
