I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
FUCK WHALES
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
