Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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