Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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