Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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