we have pet lesbian snakes
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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