I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I am available for nakedness
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
