What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
