It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
