Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
