Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
